A mommy confession...

I've come to realize when you have a baby, people (ok, women) will always ask these few questions: how old is he? Is he sleeping well? And...are you nursing? 

Never did I imagine while I was pregnant that that last question would make me feel like someone punched me in the gut every time I heard it.

During my pregnancy, like all women do, I made my plans. I planned what my child would be called, what he would wear home from the hospital, where he would sleep. I had my birth preferences-I refused to have a birth "plan" because I didn't want to be upset in case my plan didn't work out-which thankfully I didn't have a plan because preeclampsia and delivering by c section 6 weeks early would definitely NOT have been part of the plan! But, we rolled with it. Looking back, I wish I'd have had the same mentality about the way I planned to feed my baby. 

I planned to nurse my baby. In fact, I planned to exclusively breast feed for AT LEAST 6 months, with the hopes of going a year plus. I didn't need to worry too much about these plans because nursing your child is what was natural. Sure, I was well aware of the fact that the first several weeks are hard. I was ready for it. To me, there was no other option because "breast is best." In fact, I didn't even need to buy any bottles because I wouldn't need them for at least several months, because I was going to nurse my baby. 

Little did I know how even these "no brained" plans could be affected. 

After Evan was born, I was thrilled that he was able to nurse. Being a preemie I expected him to be in the NICU for a while, expected it would be a bit before we were able to try to breast feed. But he was very surprisingly healthy! I was shocked and overjoyed when the NICU nurse called my room and asked me if I wanted to try to breast feed him. He was brought to my room, and we attempted bfing for the first time. Evan latched right away, and perfectly. The Lactation consultant was impressed. He did great. I was nursing my son. 

Evan lost quite a bit of weight in the hospital-but that's ok because that's normal. We were discharged with the suggestion that we nurse every 2-3 hours to get his weight up. Every 2 hours around the clock I was up with my baby nursing. And I loved and cherished every minute of it. But guess what...3 days post discharge and Evan was still dropping weight. It's ok, keep nursing. 2 more days passed and he continued to drop weight. "It must be because he's a preemie, he's getting tired before he finishes, he's burning too many calories" ok, new game plan-nurse your baby, top him off with a bottle of expressed milk, and then pump. No problem, whatever it takes. I spent the next couple weeks doing just that, every 2-3 hours I would spend 1-1.5 hours on our feeding routine. I spent hours researching breast feeding. I talked to several lactation consultants, I talked to a breast feeding doctor (who knew they even existed??). I was going to nurse my baby. 

At 3.5 weeks when Evan was still not gaining Weight (he had dropped down to 4lb 5oz) everyone involved started to get concerned-even LCs were telling me to supplement. If he had been a term baby with more meat on his bones we may havd had more time, but he was dropping too low, too scary for a preemie.

To say I was crushed is an understatement. I planned to nurse my baby. I continued to nurse, as well as supplement. And guess what? My baby gained weight. I searched high and low for a reason, a way to make it work, anything. I kept trying, I just was not producing milk. I took every galactagogue you can imagine. I drowned myself in water. I pumped like it was keeping me alive-nothing was increasing my very low supply. The drs think it may have been something called IGT may be the cause (i won't go into detail here), I still don't know for sure. Could it have been being separated from my baby after birth? Could it have been thr preeclampsia? could it be due to prematurity?  I wished for an answer. With the complications in pregnancy, the scary delivery and having a c section, plus having a preemie, I was certain that nursing would go great. But guess what? I was unable to nurse my baby.

Now here we are at 3+ months. My son is formula fed. Do I still nurse? Sure, we try when we can, but he does not get much from me, and sometimes does not tolerate the frustration. Am I ok with that? I am trying.

 I can't help but wonder what happened? Why? Was it related to him being preemie? Was it something to do with my complications? Did I do something wrong? Did I try hard enough? Is there something else I could have tried? 

I feel a tremendous sense of guilt, made worse by the constant reminder from society that "breast is best." I am still trying to cope with the fact that, for my baby, breast is not best. 

So here are my confessions for this evening...

My child is formula fed.

I still wonder if I tried hard enough or could have done something differently.

I feel tremendous guilt over it and still don't know why.

I sometimes still cry when I'm feeding a bottle, wishing I was nursing instead.

I get upset when my anyone refers to his bottles as formula-can't we just call it milk?

If I know I'll be out in public or out with friends, I pump and pump and pump as much as I can the day before, collecting drop by drop until I have at least a partial feeding to take with me (it takes about 5/6 sessions to get enough for a bottle)-just so I can say oh no THIS is breast milk...

I feel a slight bit of jealousy toward mother's who are able to successfully nurse, although I am the biggest breastfeeding cheerleader and supporter and extremely happy for my friends who are able to nurse.

I feel like I have to explain myself to everyone I run into. (Maybe that's why I'm putting this out there for the world to see)

Hearing of formula fed babies-both current and previous-makes me feel a little better.

I feel absolutely horrible for having all these negative feelings about the way I feed my child, when I should feel blessed to even have a child, and especially that he is healthy and happy. Especially when I know there are women who would love to be in my shoes, who would gladly take the struggles if it meant they could have a child.

My only focus should be my son. He is happy and healthy and that is what matters. People can say I'm doing it wrong,  I should do this or that, I hold him too much, or question everything I do. But my son will never have to question my love for him. People can try to interject, but no one can be mommy the way I am for him <3

Evan's birth story

I am finally getting around to blogging again! I definitely want to get back to it in order to share and document how the end of my pregnancy and delivery went, because it was a whirlwind! And then of course it will be WAY more fun to blog about my son :o) 

Anyway, this will be long! 

I had a pretty rough pregnancy! When you imagine being pregnant you expect total pregnancy bliss-the glow, cravings, a cute bump, baby showers, shopping and decorating the nursery. 

Dieting, bed rest and a preemie baby are not on the radar! 

From the day we found out that I was with child the nerves set in. Having just went through a miscarriage, I was a nervous wreck hoping my dream wouldn't come crashing down again. There were quite a few scares in those first several weeks. But then we finally made it to the "honeymoon" trimester, and I was able to relax a bit! My 2nd trimester really was awesome. Besides having to pack and moving 1000 miles north just to turn around and move back south again, all while 20 weeks pregnant, it really was an easy peasy time in my pregnancy. 

20 weeks pregnant

And then the 3rd trimester hit. My dr started noticing my blood pressure was rising, so we had to be cautious of Pre-eclampsia. She ran several labs, and I was in the clear for a while.  At 27 weeks I had to take the routine 1hour glucose tolerance test, which to my complete surprise I failed. I had to go on to do a long, boring, torturous 3 hour test. Making a pregnant woman fast for 12 hours and then sit in room for 3 hours getting periodic blood draws is just wrong! Lol. Well I failed that test too, which brought along the dreaded diagnosis-Gestational Diabetes. Now when I thought about diabetes all I could think is I'm going to freaking starve having to eat salad and water all the time! How's that for torturing a pregnant lady!!! In reality though, following a diabetic diet was much more manageable than I expected, and it turned out to be great for me because I was learning ways to eat a more healthy balanced diet. Plus it helped me not gain TOO much weight (12lbs total I might add! :o) ). So I accepted this new challenge of changing my eating habits and pricking my fingers 4x a day. 

30 weeks and my last bump photo!

Well 31 weeks came along and again we are dealing with blood pressure issues. At my appointment my blood pressure was too high and I ended up being admitted to labor and delivery that day. They wanted to monitor my pressures and run some more labs. Those lab results didn't have such great news. I was officially diagnosed with Pre-eclampsia. For anyone who doesn't know what that is, google it-it's a pretty scary situation for both mom and baby. The L&D nurses started having the "preemie talk" with me, preparing me for a possible delivery THAT DAY. I don't think I have ever been so scared in my life, I was so worried about my baby. After more monitoring and a long chat with my dr, I was able to be discharged home on strict bed rest through the remainder of the pregnancy. Our goal was to make it to 37 weeks, but at the very least 34 weeks as the outcome for babies of that gestation was much better. 

So home I went. Stuck in bed. I got so sick of hearing people tell me how lucky I was and how nice it must be to be able to relax and be lazy...anyone that's ever been on bed rest for any reason can attest that it sucks! On top of that, I was supposed to be enjoying my pregnancy, having fun preparing for my baby. Instead I was confined to a bed, saying my prayers that myself and my son would be ok.

Each day closer we got to 34 weeks was a blessing! I was so happy at my 34 week appt. 

Two days later my BP shot up again! I was again sent to L&D for monitoring and labs. Little did I know this time I was not leaving that hospital without a baby! 

My mom was with me and we went down and checked in and I got hooked up to the monitors. It was about 1pm by the time I got all settled. Then we waited for lab results. Apparently they were not good! The Pre-e had progressed to severe, and my blood pressure was reaching scary high levels. I was told my dr (who was out of town) and the on call dr were discussing a "plan of action." I will never forget the moment I knew this baby was coming-the nurse asked me "where is your husband?" I said he is on his way and she replied "ok that's good." Panic set in! At about 2:45 the drs came in to tell me that I would need to deliver the baby ASAP, and that I needed to have a c-section. I was terrified to say the least. I've never had a surgery. All of the unknowns about the health of our son was daunting. They sent a NICU dr up to talk to me about what would happen with him. Drs and nurses were coming in and out getting paperwork, introducing themselves. It's kind of a blur! 

Eric finally got to the hospital at 3:15, and at 3:30 I was being wheeled back to the OR. The spinal block was done, and surgery started. Ill never ever ever forget the whole experience. C-sections feel WEIRD. When they pulled my baby out, I remember being so nervous waiting to hear him cry. And then he did. Dr. Brantley held him up and we got to see him and it was absolutely amazing. They took him to be evaluated, then Eric was able to bring him over to see me briefly. 

Evan Robert-June 7, 2013 @4:01pm

5lb 3oz 19in. 

He was then whisked off to the NICU. Eric went with him, and I was left in the OR to be stitched up. I will also never forget hearing the dr tell me that the placenta didn't look good, it was starting to deteriorate. If we had waited much longer to deliver there's no telling what would happen to my sweet boy. Thank God. 

After I got back to my recovery room I was started on some serious meds administered to Pre eclampsia patients to prevent seizure. 24 hours of a mag drip and no getting out of bed...and that medicine is killer! It was no joke and was an interesting 24 hours. I was super out of it-in fact I am still reading text conversations I never knew I had that night lol. 

The best part about my whole birth story is how incredibly amazing my son is. 

He is seriously such a blessing. All of the drs and nurses were VERY surprised at how well he was doing for how early he came. At 34 weeks, babies are expected to be in the NICU for a couple weeks working on minor things. Evan was in the NICU less than 2 days. He was doing amazing. He needed no oxygen, no feeding issues, nothing. Every dr that saw him said how surprised they were by him, and how blessed we are. 

3 days later we were BOTH discharged home. I'm still in awe of the fact that I was able to take my 34 weeker baby home with me. We still had/have some struggles as he is still a preemie baby who should still be in the womb, but he's amazing and I am so thankful he's home and healthy.

Blessed is an understatement to how I feel.