Never did I imagine while I was pregnant that that last question would make me feel like someone punched me in the gut every time I heard it.
During my pregnancy, like all women do, I made my plans. I planned what my child would be called, what he would wear home from the hospital, where he would sleep. I had my birth preferences-I refused to have a birth "plan" because I didn't want to be upset in case my plan didn't work out-which thankfully I didn't have a plan because preeclampsia and delivering by c section 6 weeks early would definitely NOT have been part of the plan! But, we rolled with it. Looking back, I wish I'd have had the same mentality about the way I planned to feed my baby.
I planned to nurse my baby. In fact, I planned to exclusively breast feed for AT LEAST 6 months, with the hopes of going a year plus. I didn't need to worry too much about these plans because nursing your child is what was natural. Sure, I was well aware of the fact that the first several weeks are hard. I was ready for it. To me, there was no other option because "breast is best." In fact, I didn't even need to buy any bottles because I wouldn't need them for at least several months, because I was going to nurse my baby.
Little did I know how even these "no brained" plans could be affected.
After Evan was born, I was thrilled that he was able to nurse. Being a preemie I expected him to be in the NICU for a while, expected it would be a bit before we were able to try to breast feed. But he was very surprisingly healthy! I was shocked and overjoyed when the NICU nurse called my room and asked me if I wanted to try to breast feed him. He was brought to my room, and we attempted bfing for the first time. Evan latched right away, and perfectly. The Lactation consultant was impressed. He did great. I was nursing my son.
Evan lost quite a bit of weight in the hospital-but that's ok because that's normal. We were discharged with the suggestion that we nurse every 2-3 hours to get his weight up. Every 2 hours around the clock I was up with my baby nursing. And I loved and cherished every minute of it. But guess what...3 days post discharge and Evan was still dropping weight. It's ok, keep nursing. 2 more days passed and he continued to drop weight. "It must be because he's a preemie, he's getting tired before he finishes, he's burning too many calories" ok, new game plan-nurse your baby, top him off with a bottle of expressed milk, and then pump. No problem, whatever it takes. I spent the next couple weeks doing just that, every 2-3 hours I would spend 1-1.5 hours on our feeding routine. I spent hours researching breast feeding. I talked to several lactation consultants, I talked to a breast feeding doctor (who knew they even existed??). I was going to nurse my baby.
At 3.5 weeks when Evan was still not gaining Weight (he had dropped down to 4lb 5oz) everyone involved started to get concerned-even LCs were telling me to supplement. If he had been a term baby with more meat on his bones we may havd had more time, but he was dropping too low, too scary for a preemie.
To say I was crushed is an understatement. I planned to nurse my baby. I continued to nurse, as well as supplement. And guess what? My baby gained weight. I searched high and low for a reason, a way to make it work, anything. I kept trying, I just was not producing milk. I took every galactagogue you can imagine. I drowned myself in water. I pumped like it was keeping me alive-nothing was increasing my very low supply. The drs think it may have been something called IGT may be the cause (i won't go into detail here), I still don't know for sure. Could it have been being separated from my baby after birth? Could it have been thr preeclampsia? could it be due to prematurity? I wished for an answer. With the complications in pregnancy, the scary delivery and having a c section, plus having a preemie, I was certain that nursing would go great. But guess what? I was unable to nurse my baby.
Now here we are at 3+ months. My son is formula fed. Do I still nurse? Sure, we try when we can, but he does not get much from me, and sometimes does not tolerate the frustration. Am I ok with that? I am trying.
I can't help but wonder what happened? Why? Was it related to him being preemie? Was it something to do with my complications? Did I do something wrong? Did I try hard enough? Is there something else I could have tried?
I feel a tremendous sense of guilt, made worse by the constant reminder from society that "breast is best." I am still trying to cope with the fact that, for my baby, breast is not best.
So here are my confessions for this evening...
My child is formula fed.
I still wonder if I tried hard enough or could have done something differently.
I feel tremendous guilt over it and still don't know why.
I sometimes still cry when I'm feeding a bottle, wishing I was nursing instead.
I get upset when my anyone refers to his bottles as formula-can't we just call it milk?
If I know I'll be out in public or out with friends, I pump and pump and pump as much as I can the day before, collecting drop by drop until I have at least a partial feeding to take with me (it takes about 5/6 sessions to get enough for a bottle)-just so I can say oh no THIS is breast milk...
I feel a slight bit of jealousy toward mother's who are able to successfully nurse, although I am the biggest breastfeeding cheerleader and supporter and extremely happy for my friends who are able to nurse.
I feel like I have to explain myself to everyone I run into. (Maybe that's why I'm putting this out there for the world to see)
Hearing of formula fed babies-both current and previous-makes me feel a little better.
I feel absolutely horrible for having all these negative feelings about the way I feed my child, when I should feel blessed to even have a child, and especially that he is healthy and happy. Especially when I know there are women who would love to be in my shoes, who would gladly take the struggles if it meant they could have a child.
My only focus should be my son. He is happy and healthy and that is what matters. People can say I'm doing it wrong, I should do this or that, I hold him too much, or question everything I do. But my son will never have to question my love for him. People can try to interject, but no one can be mommy the way I am for him <3
